Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Life in the Slough of Despond

I am in one of the perhaps less optimistic phases of my life...three months unemployed after the end of my contract on OpenLearn looking for the relatively rare jobs that seem to match my skill set. I am also working on the PhD. One would think with the extra masses of time that I would have really striven towards this but all I have done in this three months is completed one chapter in draft form. Admittedly, chapter 6 and 12000 words, which I guess is 15+ percent of the thing, admittedly a difficult chapter...but they are all difficult...every single damn one of them.

I am also in a bit of a self-doubt phase...where is the golden apple, when will the goose lay the golden egg, where is the flash of brilliance? Or is it simply a necessary text giving me a 'license to practice'...but where and what to practice? I cannot for instance teach mathematics education because despite 17 years teaching practice and a potential PhD, a Masters in Statistical Education I do not have a teaching certificate....one of my numerous Achilles heels. Sometimes I feel like....one giant Achilles heel (I am re-reading the short story 'The Nose' by Chekov at the moment where the guy loses his nose and the nose sets iteself up as an imposter taking over his life etc...I wonder if this is an example of early magical realism...never worked out what exactly that is).

When I left my job as a lecturer I was taking a risk because I knew I was chained down by my work...has that risk paid off...yes and no? Pluses and minuses. Perhaps if I have learned one thing - I should have probably taken the risk about seven years earlier than I did. This moment of time perhaps represents one of the low points of the risk...where I am even considering temporary Christmas work like at Sainsburys. Where I am even considering whether continuing to research education and eLearning is the right thing. In a documentary about Hendrix the other day he was broke, unknown and out of work when he came to London....mind you he was a formidible talent.

As a contract research I no doubt share these feelings with many others. Indeed a friend of mine was on the dole for 8 months before finding new work. Who knows. This is all part of the risk....after all I am not the only person who has gone through this phase...I just feel at my stage of life I should have metaphorically (and in reality) stocked up more money in the bank...though in this age this is probably not a very suitable or secure metaphor.

Anyhow...metaphors are an important part of my PhD, and metonomy.

Spoke to my friend Gill today, a fellow sufferer and a past contibutor to this blog, this has helped me and indeed I was able to get an hours PhD work done today (albeit just reading an earlier chapter and making a few notes) after a two week desert of activity. A chest infection and the glumness of the weather has not helped.

Still, I ultimately remain optimistic and know my PhD will come to some kind of conclusion and perhaps I will fufil a life time's ambition (after all I'm just from a secondary modern school)...this is the story of the final stages of that ambition...the crawl through the slough to....the chance meeting at the Cross Roads, guitar in hand with wordly goods wrapped up in a piece of leather....a glint of light shimmering every once and a while through the darkness of the thrashing rain....